


drink all my thoughts, cause i can't stand them

by beingemotionalsince2003



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: F/F, Ismail saved our ship, Kieu My and Fatou have such similar insecurities, Mailin helped our Fatou get diagnosed so I forgive her, Zoe's the nicest, but i still don't communicate lol, communication is key, i feel like i'm on starbucks, i'm still learning, so many questions, that's so interesting, the Halsey way, why is it so hard to post something here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:20:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29698395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beingemotionalsince2003/pseuds/beingemotionalsince2003
Summary: “Hey, what's wrong?”“It's nothing. I'm okay”“You don't know... Or you don't wanna tell me? Don't you trust me?”“I thought you were the one who didn't trust me”.Or: Q2 finally talk after the Thursday cuddle clip.
Relationships: Fatou Jallow/Kieu My Vu
Comments: 17
Kudos: 69





	drink all my thoughts, cause i can't stand them

**Author's Note:**

> I'll give you this story for now because I literally ran out of ideas for "hush baby" and because I've wanted to write this for days. I still don't know how to introduce Fatou to the Vu family (I receive ideas). What did I get myself into? 😆
> 
> The song (the one that inspired the title) for this work is ✨Intertwined✨ by Dodie. Listen to it 'cause it fits the story very well and 'cause it's wonderful.
> 
> [Disclaimer: I used the name Trevor for 'Kieu My's ex' because I really liked a fanfic with that same name and I'm accepting it as canon for my Kieutou universe. If you (the writer) are reading this and would like me to change it, please tell me and I'll do it immediately].
> 
> Without further ado, enjoy! 😊

It was such a nice feeling.  
To wake up next to Fatou again.   
Kieu My felt so loved, so safe.  
It was almost like a dream, to be exactly where she craved to appear for so many days, but thought would never again. To have Fatou's weight on her, and hear her breathing, and smell her perfume was all she ever wanted. «Stay here forever» she thought.

They remained like that for some minutes, half an hour perhaps. Kieu My even started to fall asleep again. How couldn't she? This was so comfortable. In the middle of her drowsiness, she could still feel Fatou's fingers tracing the left side of her body, giving her goosebumps. She began thinking about last night and she couldn't help but smile. Fatou had this strange ability to always hit the softest corner of her heart. She said the right stuff, stared at the right time, touched the right places… She had been so good. So caring. 

But then, Kieu My's insecurities came afloat. Had she been good as well? Did she do it right? She had never done this before, not with a girl. And honestly, that made it feel like she had no experience at all. It was just too different! Had Fatou's other partners been better? She had to learn somewhere. Her breathing started to race. She had forgotten about that. Fatou has had other girlfriends. One at least. Had she been her first kiss? Did she love her very much? Did she treat her this sweetly? Why had they broken up?  
Oh God, her mind was about to explode. She kinda hoped she (whoever Fatou's ex is called) had been just as shitty as Trevor had been to her. She hoped Fatou didn't have nice memories about her. She hoped Fatou secretly didn't care about that other girl and that she was her first love just as Fatou was for her. But Kieu My knew the girl. She was honest. Fatou would never be with someone who didn't mean something. That made Kieu My feel special, but also uneasy. She had never seen Fatou flirting with random people, nor making out on parties. She had a tinder, yes. But she herself said that dating apps were shitty. Thinking about her girlfriend in love with someone else tore her heart apart, regardless of it occurring a long time ago. Kieu My felt a sudden cold take hold of her whole being, just as if Fatou had sat down. She could even feel her staring at her soul. Which, she noticed some moments later, was exactly what had happened.

“Hey, what's wrong? You got anxious out of nowhere”

Kieu My looked at her, worry evident in her eyes.

“It 's nothing. I'm okay.” She said with a tone that didn't even convince herself.

Fatou's eyes filled with concern. She took a while to speak again.

"Is it… Is it that you regret this? I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to push you into doing anything that wouldn't make you feel comfortable. I-”

“No! It's not that. It's not that at all.” She interrupted, and Fatou's factions relaxed. "It is just I… I don't know…" 

Kieu My hated herself. All the whirl inside her didn't only hurt her, it also made the girl she loved so much think stupid stuff. It made her worry. SHE, regretting last night? She'd have to be hit by a car before forgetting it.

“You don't know, or you don't wanna tell me? Don't you trust me?” Kieu My felt a punch on her chest. Memories from their fight haunted her. Fatou's accusations. She spoke without thinking:

“I thought you were the one who didn't trust me”.

Fatou's face fell down, covered with guilt.

“So that's it” She replied, sadly.   
“I'm so sorry about that. But I want you to know that it wasn't about you, Kieu My. I DO trust you. Look, those two weeks were probably the worst 14 days of my life. Everything fell apart. I messed everything up. I felt so stupid all the time, like something was broken in my brain. I just did everything wrong and I disappointed everyone. First, I ruined the physics presentation, no matter how hard I studied just so you would be proud of me and so I could prove myself that I could be with someone as perfect as you: My just mind blocked out completely. As if a billion tabs opened with all the possible answers and none of them was right. Then, I messed the inventory list and Maike flooded my bathroom so my mom got mad at me, and I was up until 3 a.m. cleaning everything up, and then I went to your house and I made you sad, and my report card was shit, and I forgot my meeting with Ava so she wouldn't speak to me, and on Monday I was fired, and then I mixed up the date for the trash collector so no one showed up to receive it and my friends got so angry at me, and I got mad at myself too, and Nora talked shit of me behind my back, and then we had this massive fight about racism and just everything we had been holding back and I felt that they didn't want me anymore and that they didn't care about me and-” Fatou paused. Kieu saw her look away, like she was about to cry. She took a deep breath and kept going, more calmly this time:

"Then you came to my house. And when you said you came for us to study I felt like you were just someone else who wanted to FIX me instead of BE for me when I needed you the most, so I yelled at you and- And you left and I felt terrible about it. After that my parents told me they couldn't pay another school year for me so I couldn't do my Abi anymore, and then you were all distant at the party and I thought you also didn't want me any longer, and when I saw those texts: Somehow it all seemed to make sense on my head, you know? You had finally found someone better. You found someone who did deserve you and you were gonna leave me. My brain couldn't see things clearly then. The idea just popped and it made sense at the moment. That's why I said what I said. I felt like I didn't fit in in your world. That I didn't fit in with YOU. I was finally gonna talk to you about everything that was going on in my life even though I was ashamed of it, but it was too late. You had already realized I wasn't good enough for you. So I got away. I got away as I did with everyone because it just hurted too much to see everyone looking at me with such… Disappointment. It hurted to let you all down and it hurted to be let down. But it wasn't about you, Kieu My. After we fought, I noticed how stupid… Sorry. I noticed how wrong I had been. How I let all that was going on make me forget all you had done for me in the past. All we have been through. It made me forget how well we DID fit together. How good did we feel. And yes, maybe I cannot fit in your world, but I want to. And even if I can't, I do fit in with YOU, and that's all that matters. But I had already said all those horrible things and it was too late for me to take them back".

Kieu My was completely shocked by hearing so much. She tried to say something, but she knew her voice would crack, for she felt her eyes watering and her throat getting sore. How come she didn't notice all of this?! How come she was so selfish she ignored that her girlfriend was also going through so much?  
Fatou continued:

“I didn't know how to say sorry. And I think deep down I still felt too dumb to be with someone so smart and so beautiful who has everything so figured out and that's why I didn't reach out immediately. But I guess... What happened between us, it pulled me out of my misery. Because it made me feel even more miserable, you know? You were the only one who stuck with me through all that and when I didn't have you anymore, I realized my problems had made me lose everything I cared about the most. I had lost my job, I had lost Ava, school, and then… I had lost you. Fuck, even Maike had stopped eating! I knew it couldn't keep going on any longer. I needed help. Regardless if admitting that was crazy hard at first, I had nothing left to lose anymore”. She stopped to take a breath.

“At some point, Mailin talked to me about this thing called dyscalculia. She thought that by my symptoms, I could have it. So her and Nora came with me to the test and… It was positive. For the first time in my life, I was told I wasn't an idiot. I mean, people had said it before. But it always seemed like a lie of pity to make me feel better.   
Me being late for stuff, and getting lost in the city, and being shitty at school, and making bad counts on the aquarium… It all had an explanation! But most of all, I was told it could be fixed. And I felt so happy. I know you didn't cheat, Kieu My. I know you could never. You're not like that. And I'm so sorry for hurting you. I wasn't right then. But I'm better now. And now I can be better. Better for you, for us. And I will, I promise”.

Kieu My couldn't hold back the tears any longer. 

“How come you hadn't you told me any of this? Fatou, you were going through so much… I'm sorry I wasn't there for you… I'm so sorry." She pulled Fatou closer, as tight as she could, so Fatou's face hid in the crook of her neck. She felt her breath on her skin. Fast, but somehow calm. She didn't know what to say, what to do. She remembered Zoe's text some days ago: "I think she's just also struggling". Kieu My felt so stupid! So guilty for everything. 

They just sat there, holding tight, while Kieu My processed everything she had just heard, still crying a little, and while Fatou felt the arms and the acceptance she had needed for so long. She dropped some tears as well. Kieu My pulled away and they both laughed at the sight of their miserable states. They grabbed each other's faces, cleaned each other's cheeks and kissed. It was messy, passionate, very sad, but most of all... Relieved. Like so many misconceptions being cleared out put the weight of the world off their backs. Like communication was really all they needed. It felt freeing. Beautiful.  
They ended the kiss to take some oxygen (they hadn't in a long time) and they placed their foreheads together, smiling softly.

"You know… Fatou. If you had told me all of this, after our fight, I would have understood. I would have never judged you, and I would have never thought you didn't deserve me or that you're not good enough for me. I believe it's the other way around. I AM the one who doesn't deserve you... Because you are always so kind, and you always listen, and you always know what you want. You're the one who has been so good to me all this time, the one who waited for me, and the one who forgave all the shit I put you through. I should have made more efforts into being there for you when you started acting differently. I should have noticed there was something going on. I should have done more to get to you. I'm sorry.  
I was just so… Afraid. I thought you only saw me as a fling. I thought you only wanted the fun part of me as Trevor had done. But I was so wrong. You never (maybe only that Thursday) treated me like you only cared about my looks. You never rejected me when I opened up until all that shit was thrown at your way. But I guess, in the end, what hurted me the most is that I was losing you. That you couldn't see me anymore and that you wouldn't talk to me. So, why didn't you explain this to me before? Why didn't you say it that Friday?”

Fatou nodded, talking in this information and crafting her answer.

“I guess back then I really didn't have an explanation, you know? I hadn't been diagnosed yet. And as soon as it happened, I did try talking to you; but you were always cold to me and you told me to leave you alone. So I lost hope. I thought you were already over me or that you wouldn't forgive me. I thought I had to go on with my life and respect your decision. But I missed you. I missed you so much and it was so hard to forget you when I saw you all the time. And when everything reminded me of you.” She said with an awkward, little laugh. “It was only until Ismail told me you were in pain as well that I decided I would try again. And well, I guess it worked.” She joked, pointing at them with her hand.

Kieu My looked down for a moment. She had forgotten about that. She had hated herself ever since it happened. Zoe had told her to apologize, but how could she? She couldn't go to her and say: "Hey, I hate you for tearing me apart and I purposely was mean to you to get you far away but it was super shitty of me. P.S. I don't want you back cuz I'm tired but I crave for you every single second". Nope, of course she couldn't do that. But, now, now she did understand. She had no reason not to do it.

“I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you, Fatou. That was totally wrong of me. I was so mad at you, no one had ever hurt me so much and I had never been so heartbroken. I didn't want to let you in anymore. I was too scared. Scared of the pain I could feel and of the magnitude of my own feelings… But that's no excuse. I guess you can't forgive me?” Kieu My said, unsure, remembering a scene not-so-long-ago where she had fucked up too and was begging for a second chance.

“I already have”. Fatou said, smiling brighter than the sun, and Kieu My felt the greatest bliss fluttering on her chest. She couldn't help but kiss her again, this time better and with no trace of sadness.  
Afterwards, Fatou stayed still, eyes closed for a bit, savouring the moment. Since the most "serious conversation" had already been dealt with, Kieu My gained a little courage,and finally voiced her previous fears:

“Um… Fatou? Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, of course”.

“Was it… Um. Was it good? Last night, I mean. Did I suck too badly...?” 

“What? Are you serious? Why do you say that?”

“It's just… Well, you've probably been with other girls before- I mean, you obviously have. Well, you've been with girls. Better girls. More experienced, probably prettier girls. You know, the ones who do know lesbian flirting 101. And I, I don't why I'm asking you this. The answer is totally obvious. I just answered my own question. Shit, how embarrassing. I'm sorry. God, I'm so stupid"

“Hey, hey. Stop that.” Fatou said, cupping her face and looking at her severely. 

“I've wanted last night, with you, for more time than you can imagine. Ok? THIS. Us. You are my dream, Kieu My. And you've been for a long time. I wouldn't rather be with ANY other girl in the whole entire world. Wanna know why I know? Because I tried before. I tried to forget you, and to date other girls, and I downloaded tinder even though I hate it, and I couldn't because anyone was half as gorgeous as you.”

“Yeah… But back then you probably thought I had more experience, cause we had just kissed and then I had lied to my friends about you and you didn't really know me and-”

“Shut up. You don't understand.  
I tried to let you go before that. Way before. I tried to let you go when you kissed that stupid dude at Thanksgiving and I tried to keep on with my life but I couldn't. Anyone else seemed interesting anymore. There was just something about you. Something so… Different. I couldn't find a better thing then, and I hadn't even tasted you yet! So like fuck I can't think of anything better right now. Because last night… Last night was the best fucking night of my life. Okay? You're the best girl I've been with, the prettiest girl I've been with. Fuck, Kieu My, you're fucking amazing. How come you don't know that?”

Kieu My didn't know if she would collapse for so many revelations in a single morning, but she couldn't help but smile as wide as her mouth could handle.

“Do you really think so?”

“HELL yes. Well… Almost. The night I discovered milkshake and fries is pretty tied”.

“You're so silly”.

“Sorry. This is why you signed up for”.

“I know. You got me at 'we want your souls'”.

“Oh, yeah? You couldn't resist my Gambian, lesbian flirting energy?”.

Kieu My laughed. “Indeed!”

-

“Btw, do you want to know a secret?”

Fatou nodded. So Kieu My got closer and whispered in her ear:

“You're my hottest night, too”.

And it was in that early hour of the day, when Fatou's soul left her body and went far away.

**Author's Note:**

> Well… I've been reading so many good stories on here that I almost have no self appreciation anymore 😂. But I'm doing my very best to give you good content. Thanks to everyone who has supported me until now, your comments have my little yellow heart very happy 💛. 
> 
> I don't know if this makes any sense. I literally tried to solve all their problems in a single piece so now these dialogues are longer then the list of responsibilities I'm neglecting lol. Now, while I was writing, I noticed THE AMOUNT OF THINGS FATOU WAS GOING THROUGH OMG. She's such a strong person. I wonder how she wasn't more depressed and miserable about everything. It's amazing.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'd appreciate if you leave a comment, share with your friends, and find me on tumblr as: @beingemotionalsince2003 💛 
> 
> (yes, I really exploded all my neurons to come up with an ao3 name 😂)


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